IELTS Essay Band 5.5: Hunger and Advances in Agriculture

Question
question icon

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

Your submission
Although modern society succeeded
with its great success in agriculture,
proportion of people around the world are famishing. In this essay, we will
reason why still
people are starving, and suggest a possible solution for this problem. According to Pareto’s law, only 20 percent of people
80 percent of all the wealth in the world. The polarisation of wealth makes
not be able to buy their food to eat. The less food they eat, the less power to work they have. Consequently they earn less money and this makes a negative cycle. For example,
in Korea
of money was highly polarised,
suffered from hunger. Eventually they could earn a bit less money
people with enough satiety to work could earn. The ideal solution for the polarisation of wealth, which
cause of starving in modern society, is
. Besides, as we can see from the example of many
countries, it
due to the
of a dictator. To
socialism and capitalism, we can perfectly resolve this conundrum. Government should levy a large amount of
to the people
enormous
and who
a
amount of money and distribute income to the
For example, in Sweden, with the high percentage of taxation to the
of starving children has declined. In conclusion, what causes the global famine despite agricultural successes is polarisation of wealth and the
for
the distribution of wealth and
of worldwide
are
rich people and
of wealth by
Your band
5.5
Overall band

Bandscore

CATEGORY
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
Task Achievement


Band: 6

Grammatical Range & Accuracy


Band: 4

Coherence & Cohesion


Band: 6

Lexical Resource


Band: 6

Band breakdown
6

Task Achievement

Your essay addresses the question and presents a clear position, but it could be more comprehensive and well-supported. You discuss the issue of wealth polarization as the main cause of hunger, which is a valid point, but you don't consider other possible reasons such as poor agricultural practices, climate change, or political instability. Your solution of socialism is interesting, but you could suggest a wider range of solutions. Also, your essay would be stronger if you provided more evidence to support your claims. Keep working on your grammar and sentence structure to make your writing more clear and readable.

Band breakdown & tips
  • Discuss other causes of hunger such as poor agricultural practices, climate change, or political instability.
  • Suggest a wider range of solutions to the problem of hunger.
  • Provide more evidence to support the claims.
  • Improve the grammar and sentence structure to make the essay more clear and readable.
4

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

You have made a good attempt at answering the question, but there are several areas where you could improve. Your sentence structures are somewhat repetitive and you have made frequent grammatical errors, particularly with verb tenses, articles, and prepositions. These errors sometimes make it difficult to understand your points. However, your punctuation is generally well managed. I would suggest that you review the rules for verb tenses, articles, and prepositions, and try to use a wider variety of sentence structures in your writing. Also, be sure to proofread your work carefully to catch and correct any spelling errors.

Band breakdown & tips
  • Use a wider variety of sentence structures to increase the complexity and interest of your writing.
  • Review the rules for verb tenses, articles, and prepositions to avoid common errors.
  • Proofread your work carefully to catch and correct spelling errors.
6

Coherence and Cohesion

You have done a good job of organizing your essay and developing your argument. However, there are some areas where you could improve. In particular, you could use a wider range of linking words and phrases to make the connections between ideas clearer. You could also improve the structure of your body paragraphs by having a clearer topic sentence and more detailed supporting sentences. Finally, try to reduce the repetition of ideas and linking words to improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Band breakdown & tips
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to make the connections between ideas clearer.
  • Improve the structure of the body paragraphs by having a clearer topic sentence and more detailed supporting sentences.
  • Make the connection between ideas clearer to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
  • Reduce the repetition of ideas and linking words to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
6

Lexical Resource

You have demonstrated a good range of vocabulary in your essay, and you have used a variety of synonyms and paraphrases to express your ideas. However, there are several errors in word formation and word choice that you need to address. For example, 'hugh' should be 'huge', 'famishing' should be 'starving', 'failes' should be 'fails', and 'poors' should be 'poor people'. Additionally, try to use more precise language to express your ideas, such as 'income inequality' instead of 'polarisation of wealth'.

Band breakdown & tips
  • Replace 'hugh' with 'huge'
  • Replace 'famishing' with 'starving'
  • Replace 'failes' with 'fails'
  • Replace 'poors' with 'poor people'
  • Use more precise language to express ideas, such as 'income inequality' instead of 'polarisation of wealth'
Word count
283
250
283
Recommended word count: 250+
Paragraph count
4
3
4
4
Recommended paragraph count: 3-4
Grammar errors
Writing Precision
The answer is related to the question, but it could be more precise and focused. The essay discusses the issue of wealth polarization as the main cause of hunger, which is a valid point, but it doesn't consider other possible reasons such as poor agricultural practices, climate change, or political instability. To improve precision and focus, the writer should address these other factors as well.
Grammatical structures
The essay uses a variety of structures including simple sentences, compound sentences, and complex sentences. However, the range of structures is not very wide as the same structures are often repeated.
Relationships between ideas
The relationships between ideas are generally well displayed in the essay. However, there are some instances where the connection between ideas could be made clearer.